Now, where was I?
1. “You Stole God from Me” by Emery (Rub Some Dirt on It)
“The pain isn’t what drives your fist into the wall/It’s not the hurt inside you that slams you into a panic/And causes you to run in fear/It’s knowing what it was like to live without the pain/Now knowing the better days are behind/But there was nothing you could have done to save yourself/So get over it/Rub some dirt on it and/Let’s go”
He spat, a bone to pick with no one in particular. He waved blank red flags of confused masculinity. I guess it was Fourth of July, but his arrogance and bombast was unprecedented. How could he come in and disrespect my family like that? Why is an even better question. We boiled our rage together after he left, and I determined that the following week, I would stand up to him.
But I didn’t.
I put on a smile and helped with the decorations. I gaslit myself into cowardice.
And that was the match in the powder barrel.
2. “<Coping Mechanism>” by WILLOW (<COPINGMECHANISM>)
“Fun fact, I’m the worst, it’s true/Fun fact, I learned it all from you/I need a coping mechanism now, every night”
I started therapy. I needed to understand why I always hold back, why I can never confront anyone. More than, I just needed to talk to someone. I haven’t really been talking. I was lucky – I think my therapist and I were a decent match. And she wasn’t Christian. I needed someone who could stand outside of spirituality and look into it, separating the wheat from the chaff. What’s real and what’s insane.
3. “Ring 6 – LoTown” by The Dear Hunter (Antimai)
“Blessed is the obligation, anything unique is blasphemy”
To aliens, we’re bugs. Not even worth an ounce of time; at our greatest potential, a nuisance. But when you scale down, every event is cataclysmic. A junior high pastor died. He was 22 – a newlywed with a kid on the way. My friend’s uncle died. They often butted heads, but they were able to reconcile before it was over. Meanwhile, that same friend dickers with emotional and physical abuse from his mom on a routine basis. We’re just bugs, but these are all cataclysms.
4. “Midnight (Reasonable Guy)” by Nick Leng (SPIRALS)
“I know nobody’s perfect/But come on, you kidding me?”
The pursuit of a partner can make a fool out of anyone. My friend came to one of my shows. A girl walked in. I knew immediately that he would find her attractive. He didn’t hide it. He went after her. I said fuck it. You make your own damn mistakes. Meanwhile, another friend of mine finally convinced the girl he’s been pining over for four years to go out with him. I was surprised at first, but we make more compromises the older we get. Now he’s gone, consumed by her presence and his lust.
I said fuck it.
5. “Unholy Affliction” by Soccer Mommy (Sometimes, Forever)
“I’m tired of the money/And all of the talking at me/I’m barely a person/Mechanically working”
We saw the signs. I called and he grumbled incoherent, referencing hackers and intruding tech. I chalked it up to slight paranoia. I wanted to get some sleep. Didn’t want to drive. If only I had acted. He collapsed. Now we all live with trauma. Family could never be the same. He’s still teetering. Could I have stopped it?
6. “In From Japan” by Madison Cunningham (Revealer)
“The planet in orbit wanes/Some things are too hard to say/Out loud”
I busied myself in other lands. Chicago was first. I weaseled out of work just to keep her happy. How do I make it all work? Where I can get what I want, she can get what she wants, commerce gets what it wants. She didn’t like the deep dish. But the rest was nice.
7. “Concrete Over Water” by Jockstrap (I Love You Jennifer B)
“I live in the city/Tower’s blue and the sky is black/I feel the night/I see it, it’s on my back”
Vienna. Lonely and beautiful. I woke up too early and wandered vacant streets filled with history and soundless music. Stephansdom was my favorite thing I’ve ever seen. I met the EuroBoys for the first time and we became fast friends, albeit a significant language barrier always separating us. We ate and drank, stayed in a “magnificent” AirBnb, smoked shisha. And all the while I hoped she was ok. I got to take her with me to Paris. An incredible city with so much to do, see, and feel. We had Italian atop a roof, and I experienced the purest happiness I ever have. No other thoughts, no analysis. It was a high made out of peace. We met others in Seattle. As different as we are, it can be daunting trying to get there. But it’s always hard to leave.
8. “Underlands” by Andrew Bird (Inside Problems)
“Oh I can’t get over this moon/And all creatures under the sun/Move through their days in a state of oblivion”
Somehow I started drinking. These EuroBoys can hold their own; I thought I had to, too. Hangovers are god-awful. They make you look back at the night before and wish it never was, replacing nostalgia with nausea. But I made it out of Munich alright. Porto was a little different. I drank too much with Mr. Kis and stumbled back into Kim. She had to take care of me while being upset with me. It was embarrassing and shameful, even though I knew everything was fine. We moved on into beauty, wishing things could always be like that. In a way, they are.
9. “Dangerous Liaisons” by black midi (Hellfire)
“’Some people really are awful,’ he said/’This you can’t deny/Some people are as useless as lids on a fish’s eyes’”
The Dark Forest. There’s always a hunter who cannot see. But he hunts anyway. If he can, he has to. That is often the answer to the question of why.
10. “The Worst Is Done” by Weyes Blood (And In The Darkness, Hearts Aglow)
“They say the worst is done/And it’s time to find out what we’ve all become”
Are we out of the woods yet? This world we’ve created. Or allowed. She told me we’re not the best fit. We could do better for ourselves. She’s not attracted to me. I need to change. I shy away from hard conversations with her. I’ve let things get out of hand in regards to intimacy. At first it was because it felt wrong to force anything. But then it felt wrong to do otherwise. We thought it couldn’t get worse, but either way, it’s time to find out.
11. “Nostalgia’s Violence” by Kings Kaleidoscope (Baptized Imagination)
“All I really want is/Someone asking questions/Someone really focused/Someone truly honest”
I’ve never seen a performer have an on-stage panic attack before. Did no one ask him questions? Was no one truly honest with him? How is Mako doing? It seems impenetrable, defenses born out of my indecision and imperception. Cowardice when I thought I was doing better. Saved by San Antonio. Or damned. I had good conversations with dad, Justin, Kim, and others. The type that need to happen in order to wear down lifelong defenses. But what did they lead to? I tried not to think about it since therapy was ending. It was sad, but I was doing better. I thought I was.
12. “Rubber Bridge Guitar Suite No. 1” by Gungor (Love Song to Life)
The Customs have taken me to strange lands. Where are we at? Modesto. Bakersfield. Where are we at? Vibes indiscernible, but bonding occurs. Where are we at? All wanting different things with our lives, our roles. Somehow functioning as a sewn-together whole.
Where are we at?
It doesn’t matter. We are here.
13. “TAKE A CHANCE” by DOMi & JD BECK (NOT TiGHT)
“You’re only funky as ya last cut/But ain’t no use unpacking what is wrapped up”
Therapy restarted, quicker than expected. Good thing because I needed it. I need to talk more. I need to be heard. And I need to keep that shit going. Only then can it all pay off. BoJack rings out loud and clear. Cowardice, why? Why not. I just need someone to take a chance on me.
Myself.
Mason Haynie's Wonderfully Foolish Thoughts 